33. Raging hormones and extra days.

It's been quite a roller coaster these last few days. I am in absolute awe of these little fellas. 

We were looking good for going home at the weekend. They were all feeding fairly well at the end of the week, and weight loss was under 10% for all 3. Will had lost 6%, Sam 7% and Robin 9%. Sam had had a feeding tube fitted because of being sick after a couple of feeds. But it had been removed and we were all set to leave and start ourlife at home as a family of 6. On Sunday James had the pram and seats ready in the car, I had started to gather things together for my suitcase, and we were just waiting for them all to be weighed again. On Friday, Robin had maintained his weight and the other two had gained a little. We were all so jolly and I had even had big hugs from some of the staff. 

The scales were wheeled in and the weighing began. Robin was first up. And...... he had lost 20grams!!! Everybody looked deflated. It was clear that this result would mean we would stay another couple of days. 

I was deflating fast. The other two thankfully either maintained or gained, it's just the big lad Rob who was the concern. And it didn't even seem to be a concern, just closer monitoring. 

I'll talk you through the feeding plan and where our stumbling blocks are. 

As they are premature babies, they are all incredibly sleepy all of the time. Each feed tends to start off with some enthusiasm and hunger. They even all wake on cue for their feeds. It's amazing! Within a few minutes of feeding, they all start to flag. Their eyes close and they go all sleepy and floppy, and getting them to suckle on the bottle is frustrating and it feels borderline cruel. Constantly stroking their cheeks and moving their chins to encourage the suckling motion. Anything to wake them up to take in a few more ml. We have started changing their nappies part way through the feed to wake them up a bit, but this tires them out too.

These feeds can take anywhere from 20 minutes each to nearly an hour. If we nail each one in 20 minutes we get them back to bed and all seems calm and great. We start again at the next 3 hour interval. However, if its taking a long time, by the time we are finished with the third feed, usually William as we try to keep it in alphabetical order, sometimes, there is only 90 minutes until we are due to wake them up and start again. This often means that they are still full, exhausted and not ready to feed again, and they don't hit their goals. This results in them being more sleepy for the next feed, it also taking a long time and this cycle can continue for a few feeds. 

If the feeds take long, they are too tired to feed. If they are too tired to feed, they dont take in enough nutrients to be energised enough for the next feed and they dont take in enough to build up that strength. Its a horrible, and really quite stressful cycle. But until now, they have usually managed to have a bit of a catch up at the next feed.

The other thing that is a constant risk of forcing them to take in so much milk, is them throwing it back up. Robin and Sam are regular victims of this. So what's the happy medium?

On Saturday they all seemed to be hitting their required goals of ml. But then we get word that they all need to increase by 10ml each feed. This massively throws us all off. We think we are winning with hitting their goals, and then they throw the next one at us and it feels so unachievable. 40ml to 50ml in 3 hours is a huge jump, and really scary thinking about the doctors seeing them not reaching and potentially saying it's not good enough. 

This happened on Saturday after their weigh in. And again on Sunday. 

Sunday was a pretty traumatic day for all of us. They needed to have their heel prick tests, which isn't nice for them or me anyway. They prick the heel which results in a horrible scream from baby, they then 'milk' the heel until blood drops onto the form. Unfortunately Sam needed 2 pricks, and Will 3! It was awful watching them scream, over and over and over. 

Robin also needed a blood test to check he is otherwise fine, and checking that his sleepiness and slow feeding isn't being caused by anything else. Unfortunately his blood they took had clotted, so they needed to re do the test. A few hours later, they were back again to do another test for the same reason. He would need a canula this time! I was turning into a wreck slowly. Watching my babies getting hurt with needles, and practically force feeding them was taking it's toll on me. 

Through Sunday night I really struggled to get Sam and Rob to take their required amount and ended up in tears a few times. They are all feeding, but not enough. I'm not worried because they are feeding, but the sleepiness was starting to concern me now. Due to the crazy long feeds, I was unable to get more than an hour and a half sleep at a time. I got that once, and about 40 minutes to an hour a couple of times. It was no wonder I was in tears.

This, the stress of the feeds, the blood tests, and my dreams of being home with them a distant memory, plus my sky high hormones and additional hormones of my milk coming in has been difficult to manage to say the least. 

We have had a few visitors and James has been spending more time here which has been great. Just hearing people talking about normal life is what I need. The staff here are lovely, but I don't know the people they talk about. It's nice to have chats with them, but I've loved the visits and having a change of scenery in my head.

This morning I was at the end of my emotionally unstable tether and we were told that Robin and Sam would be having tubes fitted. I had spent every feed willing them to take in their required amount so this wouldn't happen, but it was like pulling teeth. 45 minutes each and still not completing. I was exhausted and an emotional wreck. 

Everybody thought my tears were for the tubes. Which they were a bit, but it was a combination of everything. In all honesty, the tubes are a massive relief. They go up their nose and straight into their stomachs. We still do the normal feed with them but limit it to 20 minutes. At the end of the 20 minutes, they are given the rest of their feed via the tube and they can rest. The pressure is off me and whoever else is feeding. We don't feel like we are being cruel making them drink, and we know they are getting exactly what they need. Plus, the time down is hopefully going to allow me to rest a bit more and build up my energy supplies again. 

Robin this afternoon had maintained his weight, which is nice to know. I assume they will want 2 consecutive days of weight gain, and a clear feeding improvement. I have resigned myself to being here until towards the end of the week now. The staff keep saying that these tube top ups can be a radical turn around for babies, and improvement can be rapid. I can believe it. More rest, more food and less stress on them. 

Fingers crossed this is the case for us. 

To end on a positive note. The boys are amazing. So strong and resilient. They just take everything that is thrown at them and settle immediately with a cuddle from anybody. And each time I feel rubbish, I just go and pick one up and let them snuggle into me. Who wouldn't feel better after that? 

This afternoon, we lay the babies on my belly in the positions they were in on the inside. It was incredible. We cannot figure out how on earth they were in there. They all snuggled into each other and we had a lovely 20 minute cuddle together. 

People are obviously starting to really feel sorry for me and are sending little treats. James got me some really tasty food, mum came with chocolates and fruit, and last night, James went and got us a chippy tea. 

One last thing. Expressing is working really well. I'm doing it every other feed at the moment and getting enough to feed all three with just a small top up of formula. I've hired a pump for home and I will up the expressing a little. 

Will has managed a fair feed on breast, and Sam is also managing a little. I've paused these feeds until they get a little stronger, unless they want a little more than their allocated ml. So for now. I pump.