38. Growing, dreams, ending pumping, twin confusion and adventures

Jack was asked by a friend "how are your baby brothers Jack?". And he replied "all the same". 

Our babies are really starting to change now. Robin is feeling like a full term baby, and is starting to act like one too. He is feeling SO much sturdier now, lifting his head much more and really becoming alert, spending a lot more time awake, looking around and practicing moving his arms and hands around. It's wonderful to see these changes. Will and Sam are also getting chunkier and they have both filled out in their faces, started getting neck fat, an extra chin each, and even their thighs are less twig like now. Robins thighs are starting to develop creases where leg rolls will hopefully appear down the line. Will and Sam are a lot more alert and looking around and focusing on people and objects a lot more too. It has felt like a lot of development in the past week with them. At night I keep them up in the lounge with me if they are awake. Its a bit too dangerous to do it when Jack is around as he has no understanding of danger. He runs, climbs and throws things around, and keeping an eye on him, plus these three would be impossible. So I enjoy my time with them in the evenings when they are looking around and seeing movements I make with my hands for them. 

Their tiny personalities are starting to really become apparent too. Sam is the middle child and smiles all the time, Robin is really cuddly and snuggles right into your neck when he is on your shoulder. He is currently the most curious as the most alert. And William is chilled but incredibly vocal. He is constantly grunting and squeaking when we feed him, almost like he is telling us exactly what he thinks about the milk, our burping technique and how efficiently we change his nappy. Its very funny and hilarious when all three are grunting in unison!

Dreaming 

I keep having a really frustrating dream that I've got a baby in bed with me. 

We have never co-slept with any of the babies. The idea of it absolutely terrifies me. I can't imagine having a tiny baby in bed with me when I'm exhausted. I have heard stories of parents falling asleep on the sofa with a baby on their chest, and the baby wriggles or slips down into a position where they can't breathe. It's not worth thinking about, and I'm paranoid about it. 

In these dreams I wake up thinking James has brought me one to look after or cuddle, and I have fallen asleep. I wake up searching the bed for the baby. It's horrible and I had the same dreams when Jack was tiny. Last night was cold, so I took a hot water bottle to bed with me. I woke up with the hot water bottle in the crook of my elbow, leaning forwards onto it and it was another horrible panicked wake up call, thinking the warm, soft bottle was a baby that I was lying on.

They are not nightmares, but they are pretty horrible wake up calls. I don't know when they stopped with Jack. I'm assuming it was when he was sleeping through and we weren't tired or getting sleepy when we were having a nice chilled out cuddle. Or perhaps it was when he was moving and could move himself away. Either way, the dreams stopped eventually. 

We have shared beds with Jack when he has been poorly or had a nightmare, but he has been much bigger, and frankly, it's hell. The idea of falling asleep cuddling him when he is under the weather is a lovely thought, but in reality, nobody sleeps. Jack likes his own space and when I've had him in bed with me, he basically lay on my face and James has had him when he is flailing all night. Legs, arms, knees and elbows everywhere. When I say all night, we usually last an hour or two before putting him back in the cot as neither of us sleeps so just being beside the cot, or even in it until he falls asleep is a much better option. 

Expressing

I tried out the Medela Swing pump I had been given from a friend and it got as much as the hospital grade usually does, so we decided to save the hire cost and return it. Each time I've pumped has been different. A couple of mornings ago, my first time hands free, I got 150ml and was over the moon! I tried again regularly over the next couple of days but I only got about 20ml each time. So after the boost of energy I felt after expressing so much and thinking "I can do this", has been the disappointment that I probably can't any more and I've started to wind down my efforts in a big way. 

James asked me if I'm feeling disappointed about it and I am a little. I promised myself that I wouldn't put pressure on myself to breastfeed or pump for them, which I don't think I have, but it is a shame I haven't managed to give them more, or for longer. 

The reality though, is that I have given them a lot, and that I have given it a decent chance without, quite literally, loosing too much sleep.

James said "you have done your best", which I know I have, but I could've done more if I had really wanted to. It would've involved being tied to the pump for half an hour of every 3 hours, after I have spent over an hour of this time feeding the babies. These half hours are valuable and I simply can't commit to them. If I'm not doing jobs or playing with Jack, or sleeping of course, there is often a baby to see to or food to eat and a shower to be had. Not to mention the visitors. I do pump in front of some. Emma, Annabel, Lynda, Paul, Emily, mum. The ones who are here often and family members. But people who have come for a "scheduled" visit, I don't. 

Another way of trying harder would have been to actually breast feed them all. This didn't work because we wanted them to gain weight to get home, and we wanted to establish this routine. Neither would've been as easy on breast. Who knows, they may have taken to it better if I had persevered, but in those early days they were so tiny and weak, that they simply fell asleep. And we didn't know how much they were getting, if anything at all. If they weren't getting enough, would they then last the time to keep the 3 hourly routine? Who knows, it may have worked. With Jack, some feeds would last 20minutes or more if I remember correctly. Much more as he grew. OK, the gaps between feeds would become greater, but the time taken to feed is likely to increase as they grow and need more. 

One positive to bottle feeding that I am reminded of daily, is the convenience of other people being able to help, and intolerances. My nephew has never taken the bottle, point blank refusal every time they have tried. This is for anything, expressed milk or formula, he simply clamps his mouth shut whenever anything is put near his mouth. On top of nobody being able to take over, he developed intolerances to things. My sister in law has had to cut allsorts out of her diet which has been a real challenge with the hunger of breastfeeding. I had to cut out eggs and chicken from mine with Jack and that had taken months of food diaries to figure it out. If my nephew would only take a bottle, life would be so much simpler for my sister in law and her family. We had always wanted these three to use a bottle for this exact reason.

I am missing the cuddling aspect of breastfeeding, and the fact that there's usually more than one that wants feeding at a time means the 1 on 1 cuddles don't happen as much as I would like. I miss the "cuddle stuck" aspect of it. Feeding them to sleep and feeling like I can't possibly move and risk disturbing them, so simply staying put until they wake up. I knew this was going to be the reality of having triplets. That 1 on 1 time with a singleton baby is simply magical, but so is this. And I am getting cuddles, as many as I want, whenever I want. I had a cuddle with all 3 on me yesterday and it was perfect. 3 little heads to kiss, 3 little bottoms to pat, and 3 lots of those adorable little noises babies make. Not to mention 3 lots of tiny little faces to gaze at and watch. It's simply unbelievable. I still don't believe they were all inside my belly just a few days ago. It really is unreal what the human body can do.

Now that I'm winding down, I will also have to reign in my diet. Breastfeeding and producing milk required a huge amount of energy and calories, so I haven't been watching what I have been eating at all. Oh well, I've enjoyed it while it's lasted. 

So now, as I close down this very short chapter, I will express for comfort, possibly once a day, and what I get, I will freeze for things like the sticky eyes they are all still getting, and any eczema or skin irritations they may get in the future. 

Pumps.

Just a reference for anyone looking into pumps. I used the hospital grade Medela pump, and moved on to the Medela Swing. The Swing seems more than powerful enough and is battery operated, as well as a mains plug in. It's not discreet like loads I've seen advertised, but it's not like I'm going out all the time. I would recommend it.

Getting out and about.

We are getting out quite a lot really. At the moment, with the routine, it's not too difficult. We just need to coordinate their naps with Jack's (and ours obviously), and aim to go straight after a feed to give us time before the next feed. The timing is what is difficult as we have the toddler routine, plus visitors to plan around. Piling everyone into the car and gathering bottles, formula, nappies, wipes, water, snacks, spare clothes, muslins, pram covers, wellies, coats, blankets, dummies, hats, and all the other bits is easy. 

We took them to the supermarket the other day. My dad came to visit and said he would go shopping for us and we said we would all go. We told him to brace himself for the attention, and it started about 20 yards from the car. People would see the pram approaching and most said "oh, double trouble", and we would correct them. Triple! I was pushing the pram most of the time and I would walk past people and hear a huge array of swear words coming from behind me as they turned to look and realised what they were seeing. It was hilarious! 

We have also been for a photography session, for a walk by the river, for a couple of walks in the village, and even to the local pub. We will never get far, fast again, especially in the village because everybody stops us for a look and a chat. We would stop on most walks for a chat with someone before we even had kids, now, even people we don't know want a look and a chat. Walking up to the pub was hilarious and we were mobbed exactly as we expected. It was like bees around a honey pot. Everybody was sitting outside enjoying the rare bit of April sun, and as we walked up, they flocked around to see our beautiful litter. These boys really are famous in a small town. 

Sabden has a lovely, welcoming community. James grew up here and is very easy to get along with. He has also worked for half of the village. When I came along, I automatically felt like part of the family here. We both play music and there is a great music scene in Sabden, so thats also been great and helped me to really settle in. The pubs are proper local pubs, and theres always someone there to say hi to. When news spread about me expecting triplets, each time I ventured out, I would be asked how I am feeling and offered help. We knew people would be excited to see the triplets if we did dare to venture to the pub, and goodness me, they were. And it was lovely!!

I feel like getting out is something that will become more complicated in the coming weeks, but for now, it's fine. I am still healing, so walking is exhausting for me. I can also feel how weak I am now. I have obviously lost strength and muscle and I can feel it. I used to be able to get up from the floor hands free. Just from a crossed leg position and lifting up using just my legs. I had never thought about it before. But now, it's not easy for me to do it. I can, but I'm thinking about it. So getting out with the babies is going to be great, not only to help me to build up my strength, but also, to get the babies outside into the fresh air. The pram is great, but with it being front and top heavy, the wheels at the front can catch and jam a bit. It's also difficult to see any obstacles approaching on the ground. When I'm healed, and the babies are strong enough, I will carry one on me, and use the pram as a twin, with the hope that it'll be a little easier to maneuver. I will really look forward to walks around the village this spring and summer! 

First barf down the back.